Fixing the Super Bowl, one stupid idea at a time
It’s Super Bowl week!
That phrase has meant a lot to me and very little to me at different parts of the last 35 years.
When I was young, the Super Bowl was everything. I saw my first Super Bowl in January 1990, and it featured my hometown Denver Broncos facing off against the defending champion San Francisco 49ers. The Broncos lost 55-10, their third Super Bowl loss in four years, and I vividly recall switching my fandom late in that game to the 49ers so I didn’t have to “feel bad” that my favorite team just suffered the worst loss in Super Bowl history.
Despite the pain of that loss that I eventually allowed myself to feel, I kept watching football and Super Bowls. Eight years later, my patience paid off, as the Broncos finally reversed their fortunes and won their first Super Bowl. It was one of the best days of my life.
I kept loyally watching right up until I vocally and aggressively quit the NFL in 2013 over brain injury concerns. I missed nearly every game between the 2014 and 2018 seasons, meaning I completely missed out on the 2nd half of the Patriots dynasty. I’d like to think this worked out well for me.
I relapsed as a fan in 2019 and was back all-in, largely thanks to Patrick Mahomes. He was so fun to watch in a way the league had not been in years, and it was refreshing and invigorating. Despite the fact that the Chiefs were once one of my most hated teams, I happily rooted for them as they overcame double-digit deficits in three straight playoff games to beat the 49ers in the Super Bowl that season.
I tried to re-quit the NFL briefly after Damar Hamlin nearly died on the field last year, but I re-unquit just a few months later. I couldn’t stay away, and I’m back.
So here we go again. The 49ers, who were in my first-ever Super Bowl and my first post-boycott Super Bowl, are here again. And the Chiefs, who had been in three of the four Super Bowls since I started re-watching the NFL, are back again too.
I’m starting to feel like I’ve seen this movie before. Both teams feel more tedious than they used to. The 49ers are loaded on both sides of the ball, but you just wonder how they’ll blow it this time. And then we have the Chiefs, who have gone from an up-and-coming upstart to an insufferable, overexposed, whining-for-calls dynasty.
I’m not excited about this matchup at all, and I’m devastated by what could have been. it would have been amazing to see the hard-luck Bills and Lions face off instead. But hey, we’re stuck with these teams. Nothing I can do about that.
So how can I make this week more exciting? Stupid rule changes!
As fans, we know everything. We know better than “those in charge” how to improve the sport, and we have the courage to come up with ideas that seem crazy but are actually brilliant.
So below is a touchdown’s worth of ideas I’ve thought through over the years - often while drinking wine - in increasing order of stupidity. Who knows, maybe someone will read these and see them for the inspired game changers that they are.
1. Treat safeties like they are own goals in soccer, and make them worth a touchdown
It shouldn’t matter which team recovers a ball in the end zone, a touchdown should be a touchdown. Also make it so fumbles out of the end zone aren’t a touchback, because that is ridiculous.
2. Delay of game and false start penalties result in a loss of down
These penalties are boring, and they slow the game down to a crawl. Make them extra punitive and more exciting at the same time! Up the stakes on 4th down in particular.
3. Punts and missed field goals are worth 1 point for the other team
Change the incentives of kicking the ball. While the rise of analytics in the past decade have increased the rate at which teams go for it on 4th down, we can do better. Plus, now you can get new scorigami combinations!
4. Field goals get more points the further they are kicked
Make a field goal worth the 10s column of the yardage that they were kicked from. All of a sudden, 50-yard kicks happen more often, while red zone kicks become less valuable. Could be fun gamesmanship, as teams may intentionally go backwards to make a field goal worth more.
5. The first field goal in a game is worth 6 points, and each successive one is worth 1 less
Now you really have a gamesmanship factor, in which strategically it’s better to kick field goals early in games and use them up before the opponent can. Then, later in games, depending on the game flow, a field goal could be completely off the table as an option in crunch time. This is an improvement.
6. Field goals get more points if they “doink” in
Everyone loves a “doink” off the post or the crossbar. Gamify it, and give teams a bonus if the kicker pulls this off!
7. Whichever team gets to a score first “owns” it in the event of a tie
This change would completely eliminate the need for overtime, and it would also up the stakes if a team is down by 3 or 7 in the waning minutes. Now, all of a sudden, the team down 3 has to score a touchdown and a team down 7 has to get a touchdown plus a two-point conversion if they want to win, and these types of decisions could ripple earlier as teams may take bigger risks to avoid merely tying the score.
What do you think? Have we improved the sport? Of course we have.
Now, enjoy the big game! May your blood boil at a gutless field goal, an irritating false start, or another ridiculous end zone touchback.