FAKE RONJAN!!Countdown: The Best Burns in the Grinch Song
Christmas has come and gone this year, and we're precariously close to the end of the "holiday music is acceptable right now" season. While we still have the chance, I wanted to finally definitively rank the verses of my favorite holiday song ever, You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.
Now, I'm no Scrooge - I love the holiday season and Christmas in particular. This isn't a humbug-style rant against the consumerism that has taken over a season or anything like that. And it's not a fatalistic, lefty "who can be cheery in this version of America" cry for help either.
I just love the song because it's hilarious. It's the best diss track in history. I mean, just listen to this thing!
So with that said, let's review the insults by verse and then count down to the best of the bunch.
Verse 1:
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch
You really are a heel
You're as cuddly as a cactus
You're as charming as an eel
Mr. Grinch
You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel
Verse 2:
You're a monster, Mr. Grinch
Your heart's an empty hole
Your brain is full of spiders
You've got garlic in your soul
Mr. Grinch
I wouldn't touch you with a
Thirty-nine and a half foot pole
Verse 3:
You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch
You have termites in your smile
You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile
Mr. Grinch
Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crocodile
Verse 4
You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch
You're a nasty wasty skunk
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk
Mr. Grinch
The three best words that best describe you
Are as follows, and I quote
Stink
Stank
Stunk
Verse 5
You're a rotter Mr. Grinch
You're the king of sinful sots
Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots
Mr. Grinch
Your soul is an appalling dump heap
Overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable
Mangled up in tangled up knots
Verse 6
You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch
With a nauseous super "naus"
You're a crooked jerky jockey and you drive a crooked horse
Mr. Grinch
You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich
With arsenic sauce
And now the countdown!
#6: Verse 1 ("You're a mean one")
This is a strong opening statement, but you know the song is holding back the good stuff.
#5: Verse 4 ("You're a foul one")
This is definitely the most smell-dominant of the verses and the skunk-gunk-stunk rhyme is probably the best in the whole song.
#4: Verse 6 ("You nauseate me")
Now we're getting vicious. Going after the character of the Grinch's horse?! Savage! And the "with arsenic sauce" closer is brutal. Not gonna lie, though, a sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich without the arsenic could be good, right? RIGHT?
#3: Verse 3 ("You're a vile one")
I love the "termites in your smile" line so much. For some bizarre reason, I always expect the termites to be in his heart or soul or mind based on the other lines. And yes, it's a bit of a cheat to rhyme "crocodile" with itself, but I love both the idea of a seasick crocodile and the notion that someone would prefer one to anything else.
#2: Verse 2 ("You're a monster")
Just gold end-to-end. "Heart's an empty hole", "brain is full of spiders", and "garlic in your soul" are so wonderfully descriptive. I do wonder if a 40-foot-pole is long enough to touch the Grinch. He's leaving the door open on it!
#1: Verse 5 ("You're a rotter")
"Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable" is already a Hall of Fame quality burn. Adding in "mangled up in tangled up knots" makes it transcendent. This is the best insult of all time and the best verse in the best holiday song ever.
-rj